i dont really know what to do now

i'm not a bad person. i'm not a terrible person. i dont even know that i'm a good person anymore. i'm just me. i'm an idiot, i now that much. i'm naive and foolish and its a habit i cant break. my friends and family mean the world to me and slowly it seems to be becoming a smaller circle i'm a part of. i did nothing wrong but let people into my life. maybe thats my biggest problem

i used to be really outgoing and full of life but now i just seem to always be hidden away. my ex fucked me over completely. she warped my mind into thinking that i was just put on this earth to take everyone else's shit, take their beatings and soak everything up like a giant sponge, then tell people why its MY fault that they are upset or force them into beating me for whatever reason they are angry

up until a few weeks ago i was beyond ashamed of my past. there were things that had happened that i never told anyone. aimie knew, but only because she was there through it all. the day i opened up and told kay everything was both the best and worst day of my life. she showed me that yes, i could admit that i'd been beaten up every day for xxx amount of years by a girl. dig a little deeper and you find that it wasnt the odd punch or kick here and there, she used a solid metal police issued baton. she broke my ribs on several occassions and had me convinced it was my own fault. the amount of times she took that baton to my crotch i'm actually amazed that i have two kids

i've been accused of a lot of things in my life, stealing, cheating, dealing, assault etc and most of the accusations were true, although i've never cheated in my life. there was one thing though that wasnt true and was the reason my entire life changed. because of one girl, i started taking cocaine then because of another i became hooked. i've overdosed in an attemtp to kill myself and i tried it a second time, but it was still at the back of my mind that it was all my fault and i did actually deserve to die. i've tried to fight it, i've been trying for years but everything always comes back to it all being my fault

one person had me so wrapped around his little finger that i couldnt see that he was deliberately getting me drunk every weekend so that when i was passed out, he could try and get into my bed with my wife. he'd leave me passed out wherever then take my wife up to bed, knowing that she was so tired she didnt really know what was going on. he called out my wife's name while having sex with my best friend. but again, it was all my fault

so what? i try to help people that have nobody else to talk to. as always, i'm the one that gets blamed when the shit hits the fan and i'm left once again feeling like everything i do is designed to come back and kick me in the arse

i'll keep trying and eventually i will figure out what i did so wrong