i was hangin in the corner with my five best friends

the switch in my head has been flicked. one second i was over the moon and having a great time, literally nano-seconds later i was down and wishing that people wouldnt waste their time on me. it hard enough to handle when i'm at home and can hide away from people, but i cant here, there's nowhere to run to. wherever i go i'm just be lead straight back to this bed and told to rest and relax or face even more time here

it makes me feel worthless, just like pretty much everything else does. i look at my wedding ring and wonder why she married me, i look at her and wonder why she's stayed here by my side for a week without even leaving the room. i'm not worth it at all, she could do so much better than me. its not like things for me are ever gonna get any better, this is it now. i'm twenty seven and i've been told i'll be lucky to reach thirty five. everytime i think about that i cant help thinking that everyone is wasting their time on me. it upsets me to know that such amazing people are wasting their time and effort on a pathetic wreck like me

i've been in here for a week and my wife, family and friends have all gone above and beyond to do stuff for me to make me happy. i can never repay any of you for the kindness and love you've shown me, and at the same time, my tiny little brain wont accept that you did this all out of the kindness of your hearts and not to get me to give you anything in return. in the past people only ever did stuff for me if they wanted something in return, so why would people now just do things for me simply to try and make me smile? my mind has never been able to wrap itself around generosity, its almost like i dont understand why you all did what you did

i guess i'm just waiting for it all to come back and bite me in the arse like it always has done. i'm not an optimist, i dont know how to be. i appreciate every little thing everyone does for me, i really do. if you're reading this its because you took the time to click on a link i posted and it means the world to me because it also means you took the time to follow me on twitter or on blogspot. you have much more important things to be doing, why waste your time on following me or reading this?

at least when the nurses ran around like headless chickens last night to get me a lettuce sandwich i knew it was because this is a private hospital and i'm paying a lot of money to be looked after here rather than go to an nhs hospital, so we're back to my money being the reason people do stuff for me. thats the reason i'm on the internet from my hospital bed, its the reason why my doctor knows full well i smoked weed in the bathroom today but hasnt done anything about it. i've cut out all the people that used me for my money, thats why i have so few friends in reality

enough of this rambling, just wasting your time