everybody scream your heart out

been a while since i updated this thing

we went to paris for two weeks, got back today. too much shit has happened and i'm getting to a point where i need to forget everything i ever knew to stop myself breaking completely. too many people have left, too many things have been said. i've lost the ability to express myself and those that i wanted to see never will anyway

it doesnt matter though because apparently, having to read about my life is too stressful for some people. if you think its hard reading it, try fucking living it. its one thing to just unfollow to stop seeing the updates, but to go so far as to block me so that i cant even contact you to say that i'm sorry? thats just pure fucking cuntishness. so unnecessary. i would never have done that to you, but i guess i figured out that you never meant a single word you said to me

there's still one thing that hurt more than that. we all know that i'm twenty seven years old, but only in physicality. my mental age is much younger, ten years younger infact. however, none of this should be used as an excuse to ban people from talking to me. i'm not a paedophile, i have absolutely no interest in sleeping with any underage girls, nor do i have any interest in grooming them for other people. i have certification from the united kingdom government stating that i am safe to work with children and disabled/vulnerable adults. ya know why? coz its my fucking job. however, some people just cant see past my age. i would never have done anything to hurt your daughter mrs h, she was like a younger sister to me and i'll tell you this for free, i dont even know what she looks like coz i never look at people's pictures. you have no idea how much you hurt me without even realising what you'd done. its fine, i'm falling apart at the seems anyway, you just took a thread and pulled on it so hard that it cant be mended

i've never felt this low before. i've officially sunk lower than when i tried to kill myself. everyone had their little part to play in this movie, but nobody will step up and put their name on the credits. i'm slowly shutting down and pushing everyone away like i did back then. i have help to pull through this time, but even those i thought would never leave seem to be drifting away. you know who you are and you know this is for you: 1 4 3. things are fucked right now, i know you feel it too, you think you know how i'm feeling and you're pretty close, but take your pain and multiply it by ten and you'd be close to what this has done to me over the last few weeks. 1 4 3. but this time the 4 is a different word

baby boy is going to be a year old next wednesday. i never thought i'd see the day where i had a kid but here i am with two of them. you think times are shit, you talk about it too much. talkers never follow through, trust me, i never talked about it before i did it. you had my attention the whole time, you just went about it the wrong way

i dont know what i'm doing anymore. i have no job, i got fired for not showing up the day i went missing. its ok though, its not like i need to work because i dont. i'd rather be at home with my family anyway, its better that way and there's less chance of me going back to hospital. its all up and down right now, maybe one day i'll finally be able to rest