the lake is peaceful at 3am

all i've ever wanted in life is to be understood, but i dont understand myself, so how could anyone else possibly even try to? i have too many problems that people refuse to acknowledge. i'm mentally unstable and sometimes i actually need to be reminded that i'm twenty seven, not seven

anxiety and stress do strange things to me. i can go from "regular" adult mode to child in just a few seconds, sitting on the bed that i share with my wife and asking her to play with toy cars with me isnt my idea of foreplay, but it happens. although i dont think she understands why, she does it anyway because she knows i cant help it. other times i will have more violent anxiety attack when i will hurt myself. i've broken fingers, slashed my arms, put holes in walls, smashed glasses but more worryingly, i walk out of the house and start to walk. i dont have a very high regard for myself at the best of times, but when i have an anxiety attack i'm a completely different man. i dont know what i'm doing or where i'm going. i dont look both ways before i cross the roads, i bite my hands until i get so worked up that my jaw locks. i've nearly bitten the top of my thumb of several times and then when the stress becomes too much to take, my brain shuts down and i black out. somehow, i always end up at the same place

the lake is where kay and i had our first date. its a calming place for me where i go whenever i just cant take being around myself anymore. i go there and i sit and think. i stay there long enough to miss kay and my babies, then i call her and she knows where i am. . this happened last night. i take every single bad word thats said to me and mull it over until it breaks me. i dont take compliments very well and i dont quite know how to process kind words (although i am working on that). at 2.53am this morning, i walked out of my house and carried on until my feet stopped me. not long before that, a comment was posted to me on twitter that said "fuck you, go and enjoy your life please" followed by another from the same person saying "get your life together". this may not sound like much, but to me it was like i'd been shot. i work so hard to not let manic depression beat me and just when i think i've had a really great day (which i had up until that point on account of meeting some amazing new people and talking to them all day), i was knocked right back down and i didnt know what to do. kay tried to calm me down and tell me everything was ok, aimie even yelled at the person (in twitter form), but the damage had already been done and i walked

i dont remember much of what happened after that, my brain blocks out most of my attacks. the next thing i remember is sitting by the lake with my wife. i was still upset about what had happened and she told me it was ok to cry. so i did, just like i always do. i'm not ashamed to admit that i cry, its as normal to me as watching porn is and we all know i'm not ashamed to admit watching that. i do both quite regularly infact

all i want is for people to actually take some time and read some of the stuff i say before making comments that others may take with a pinch of salt, because i dont. i cant. i dont know how to