i've been thinking for the last few hours, which is never a good idea. thinking leaves me with a million questions and theories to ponder which can and often does keep me occupied for days to try and reach conclusions that benefit everyone around me. if it means making sacrifices to make sure everyone is happy, then i do it, regardless of whether its what i actually want or not
i always put everyone else before me, the order being kay and the babies, then aimie, then everyone else, then myself last. then i wonder why i'm an alcoholic, why i get myself into so much trouble, why i'm constantly battling my own mind. in the grand scheme of things, i dont really matter, but making sure everyone else is ok does. i cut a few friends out of my life to save them the bother of having to work themselves to hard with coming up with new lies and stories to tell me to get me to do stuff for them. wasnt for my own benefit at all. i'm glad they're out of my life, sure, maybe they're actually enjoying their lives now that they dont have to remember all the lies they told me
i always try my best to cheer people up when they're down. i offer advice and a shoulder to cry on when they need it and very rarely is that same offer extended back to me. there are a few times, but it quickly is revealed why the offer was given and it always soon is back to me helping them again. its always been that way and i'm used to knowing that if i have a problem it doesnt really matter as long as when i'm done explaining my issue, i'm immediately ready for the next saga of someone else's life. i have news for you, i'm not ready and while you're complaining to me about your minor setbacks, i'm battling things that you cant even begin to scratch the surface of understanding. i hide my emotions from you while you're talking, but inside i am screaming at you to shut up and help me for a change
maybe thats selfish of me though. hm
at the hospital a few days ago, my doctor gave me some advice that he thinks would help me out of the deep depression i currently find myself in. i'm sure you're probably thinking "but you just had a new baby arrive in your life and you've been so happy, how can you be depressed?". well, just because i'm smiling and happy on the outside doesnt mean i am on the inside. there are times when yes, i am hyperactive and you cant shut me up and i'm the life and soul of the party, but thats the thing with manic depression, that can and is taken away quicker than you can imagine. some may have witnessed it first hand, its extremely distressing for me and being told to "cheer up" or "snap out of it" doesnt fucking work, so dont say it. i used to have a friend that would say things like that and actually expect me to be ok and back to upbeat again. he also thought that telling me to just go to sleep would instantly cure my chronic insomnia
now i find myself contemplating taking my doctor's advice. its not the obvious nugget i may have mentioned before about just giving in and taking the sleeping pills. that isnt an option and if one single person tells me to take the tablets, i'll fucking scream. anyone that knows me will know there is no way i am EVER gonna take a medicated tablet that i know full well i WILL get addicted to. the piece of advice i am mulling over is much more difficult for me. its completely out of the ordinary for me and very few of you would actually like it if i were to go ahead and do it. so do i wanna stay as i am and keep everyone happy in the hopes that one day my favour will actually be returned, or do i want to make a change that could hurt me even more to begin with but may possibly get better? its a rhetorical question for you, but a very real one for me that i need to make a decision on
my doctor's advice? to just stop caring
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When first we chatted on Twitter I didnt really know who you were or anything about you, nor you me. But you reached out and helped me deal with a distressing situation - for that I deeply thank you. Sadly, another situation hit me, and yet again you were there. Voice of reason. Helped me gain some perspective on things. I doubly thank you.
ReplyDeleteWe've had some chats about how thngs are with you - and Ive tried to help in any small way I can. You are a valid, valued and valuable person in so many ways to so many people. I still wouldnt claim to really know you deeply or to understand all that you have gone through and are going through but I like what I know.
The love and the passion you share with Kay and your family is inspiring. The deep friendship and loyalty you inspire in Aimie is amazing. If I could feel that by sharing laughs and thoughts with you all, and by giving you support when it looks like you need it is helping in any way then it would put a big bright spring in my step.
Sometimes you tweet things and I can feel the hurt and the anger, but I say nothing. Its not because I dont care, or because I dont want to, but because sometimes it seems there is nothing I can say that doesnt sound trite and cliche. 'Im here if you want to talk' 'Try not to let it bother you' It seems inadequate, and sometimes it just looks like something you need to say and no response is wanted. Maybe Ive been wrong in that judgement - and if so, I apologise.
Im moving on from the situations that caused me hurt and anger, and you helped me with that. Im lucky they were situations that can be left behind.
I would simply temper your doctors advice - dont stop caring. Just re-prioritise it. Care for Kay, your babies, Aimie and yourself. Care less for those after that, or even stop caring for those if thats what it takes.
So its back to one of those trite and cliched statements - but this one comes from the heart - I am here for you. All of you.
Keep that small circle of love tight and nothing can permeate it that you dont want to.